Horrorscopes

Photo Credit: Marissa Godwin

Aries, the Ram ( March 20- April 19)- Ah, Aries. The ram. Aggressive. Passionate. Off-putting. Aloof, at best. Everyone loves you, but you often feel like you aren’t anyone’s favorite, and you would be right.

Taurus, the Bull (April 20- May 20)- This month, your love life continues to look bleak, and trying to get your grades up feels like trying to swim through molasses. I could tell you that you can do it, but then I would be wrong. Oh yeah, happy birthday Taurus!

Gemini, the Twins (May 21- June 20)- You may feel like the world is working against you- it is. Preparing you for a dreaded C on your latest essay. Finally, watch out for red socks in white laundry- that's right, the universe is pulling an iCarly on you this month.

Cancer, the Crab (June 21- July 21)- Keep your eyes open for stray meatballs in South Hall- especially with your new sneakers (don’t wear the Yeezys). Don’t bother doing your hair this month; it’ll be frizzy from the walk to school by the time you get here.

Leo, the Lion (July 22- August 21)- I really don’t know how to put this lightly. My advice for you this month is to watch out for cat barf.

Virgo, the Virgin (August 22- September 21)- Be careful whilst stalking people on instagram- no one can ever know when an accidental double tap will hit- except for me. Quit your stalking for a while. Creep.

Libra, the Balance ( September 22- October 22)- Haha, balance. Oh, why am I laughing? Little thing called irony. You know, because balance is the last thing coming your way this month. Expect to neglect your tedious habits like making your bed every morning while your friendships spiral out of control.

Scorpio, the Scorpion (October 23- November 21)- I would invest in nice brow pencils- the newbie at Great Clips has a nasty habit of taking off eyebrows and giving you pointy sideburns. Might I recommend the Brow Wiz?

Sagittarius, the Archer (November 22- December 20)- Get some contact lenses as softball in PE winds down- that fly ball has a veeeeerrrryyyy high chance of breaking your fancy new lenses.

Capricorn, the Goat (December 21- January 18)- You will wear shorts on the coldest day of the month- you should just stay away from shorts, skirts, or any short pant/sleeve of any kind.

Aquarius, the Water-Bearer (January 19- February 17)- Take the new style leap you’ve been considering- only you could pull it off. I mean, everyone loves how you would wear anything.

Pisces, the Fish (February 18- March 19)- You’re obsessions are intense.You often get caught drooling over the latest fanfiction you find on your piece of garbage tumblr blog. You disgust me.